I have a list of blog posts to write today. I have a sheet of paper with scribbles on in various colour and thickness; mostly my beloved pink sharpie and then additions in black biro. I tend to note down ideas throughout the week and then sit down at the weekend and let it all pour out; reviews, wishlists, updates, catchups, and so on. This is the plan now as I sit here hugging a cup of green tea. With the house not properly warmed up yet the steam rises to the ceiling in languid arcs, bisected by streams of sunshine that dip under the blind. Sometimes words flow out of me with urgency and ease and sometimes they stay stuck inside and I sit listening to the hum of the computer fan, fingers poised and no sense of order or thought presenting itself. Clearly this is one of those days. I have always required order, in order to write. A tidy room, a clear desk, an organised mind. I do not have my thoughts in order today, they are a tangle I cannot un-knit. It has been a difficult week this week, not through any major news or development but just through feeling like I am fighting through a constant tide of politics, agendas and snideness. Maybe it sounds naive – indeed I feel sometimes like a child wanting to cover their ears and hide away from all of it – but I am just not of that persuasion, to get involved in drama and tactics, scheming and plotting to pull others down and build yourself up.
I’ve repeated it so much now that it almost feels like cliché but I truly mean it when I say that I long for those simple things, and I live for friends, family, comfort, home, good food, good music, good books… I feel older than my age sometimes (and look younger than I am, so that’s awkward) so I find it astounding when I see behaviours around me that really should belong in the playground. When I was out last night hearing people talk about their babies, their families, Christmas plans and celebrations I felt strongly that these are the things that matter, and that people who prioritise these things seem so much happier and more at ease. We are all growing up now and becoming adults; we should be shedding the skins of pettiness and triviality and growing into people who focus on making others, and ourselves happy. At the moment this sickness is permeating into all areas of my life and I am getting tired, so tired, of all of the ‘he said, she said’, the sneakiness, backstabbing and the energy some people put into making others feel bad. Both mine and Tom’s future is quite uncertain at the moment because our jobs and workplace won’t exist next year and the thought of having to go through so much change over the next 18 months is wearing me down too (though at least we have the wedding to look forward to!).
I think the time I truly felt at my happiest recently was in the yurt in Wales; wood-burning stove crackling away, pot of tea, good book, sheepskin blanket, my dog and Tom. I need to capture that simplicity and find a way to avoid all of the other things that are making me unhappy. I also need to cherish my amazing friends, the kind and lovely people I have met through blogging, my wonderful family. Today will be for puppy cuddles, hot chocolate and pajamas.
Also, I saw Villagers last Sunday in Oxford and they were stunning. This song will also be keeping me company today.