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Sombre

I have a list of blog posts to write today. I have a sheet of paper with scribbles on in various colour and thickness; mostly my beloved pink sharpie and then additions in black biro.  I tend to note down ideas throughout the week and then sit down at the weekend and let it all pour out; reviews, wishlists, updates, catchups, and so on.  This is the plan now as I sit here hugging a cup of green tea.  With the house not properly warmed up yet the steam rises to the ceiling in languid arcs, bisected by streams of sunshine that dip under the blind.  Sometimes words flow out of me with urgency and ease and sometimes they stay stuck inside and I sit listening to the hum of the computer fan, fingers poised and no sense of order or thought presenting itself.  Clearly this is one of those days.  I have always required order, in order to write.  A tidy room, a clear desk, an organised mind.  I do not have my thoughts in order today, they are a tangle I cannot un-knit.  It has been a difficult week this week, not through any major news or development but just through feeling like I am fighting through a constant tide of politics, agendas and snideness.  Maybe it sounds naive - indeed I feel sometimes like a child wanting to cover their ears and hide away from all of it - but I am just not of that persuasion, to get involved in drama and tactics, scheming and plotting to pull others down and build yourself up.


I've repeated it so much now that it almost feels like cliché but I truly mean it when I say that I long for those simple things, and I live for friends, family, comfort, home, good food, good music, good books...  I feel older than my age sometimes (and look younger than I am, so that's awkward) so I find it astounding when I see behaviours around me that really should belong in the playground.  When I was out last night hearing people talk about their babies, their families, Christmas plans and celebrations I felt strongly that these are the things that matter, and that people who prioritise these things seem so much happier and more at ease.  We are all growing up now and becoming adults; we should be shedding the skins of pettiness and triviality and growing into people who focus on making others, and ourselves happy.  At the moment this sickness is permeating into all areas of my life and I am getting tired, so tired, of all of the 'he said, she said', the sneakiness, backstabbing and the energy some people put into making others feel bad.  Both mine and Tom's future is quite uncertain at the moment because our jobs and workplace won't exist next year and the thought of having to go through so much change over the next 18 months is wearing me down too (though at least we have the wedding to look forward to!).

I think the time I truly felt at my happiest recently was in the yurt in Wales; wood-burning stove crackling away, pot of tea, good book, sheepskin blanket, my dog and Tom.  I need to capture that simplicity and find a way to avoid all of the other things that are making me unhappy.  I also need to cherish my amazing friends, the kind and lovely people I have met through blogging, my wonderful family.  Today will be for puppy cuddles, hot chocolate and pajamas.

Also, I saw Villagers last Sunday in Oxford and they were stunning.  This song will also be keeping me company today.



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12 comments

  1. aw Rosie, what a beautiful post. And I can relate to it so much right now. I can't shake the urge to just run away right now.. not because anything is particularly bad but just to escape reality. I've been finding it hard to get back into blogging (although it seemed like it would offer the perfect escape when I stopped working in a creative environment) but it's been so hard. I never used to write and schedule posts but now I find myself so tired when I get in from work that all I want to do is curl up with my book! I'm trying to shift my routine into something similar to yours... lets hope the words flow today

    Hannah xx

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  2. I got gentle shivers reading this post. You've just echoed my feelings over the last week so well. I love my work but there are times where the strain of other people and doing the constant dance to keep all their feelings and interrelationships in check is so exhausting it makes my nerves jangle. I've had one of those too, where despite a wonderful birthday in the middle I've ended this week feeling drained and tired. Like you too, I am organising my little world and looking at all the small joys around me to try to decompress. Last night I got home and had a bath in almost darkness and complete silence, and I felt a thousand times better for it.
    If it is any consolation, I think you've got your priorities right. Since my dad died I've really strongly felt that those things come above all else for me. I don't know quite what my journey will be to that but I always have kind of felt that if you choose for your life to head in a certain direction, you will get there in the end. I always find the thought that things happen in ways we cant predict, quite comforting.Even if things feel rubbish right now, it will pass and you may understand why that part had to happen. Big love to you and Tom. These changes may all bring evem better things.
    xxx
    Chambray & Curls

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  3. Such lovely thoughts! I'm finding my new job quite stressful and although I worked hard for years to get here I am making sure I remember those important things in life! Seeing friends and family, earing well and a good book :)

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  4. I can relate to this post SO much. I love the simple things in life;there's nothing better than snuggling up with a hot chocolate and a good book. I work in a children's nursery, so the majority of people I work with (minus two!) are girls and there is so much pettiness and bitchiness - the reason I left my old nursery and was a sole charge nanny for a while. Unfortunately I'm back to where I started. It's tiring. I'm 28 years old and shouldn't be having to deal with people even older than myself causing trouble to make themselves feel better. We are not at school! I've even reduced my work hours because I've been so stressed..it's just not worth it.
    Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent haven't I? I hope you enjoy your cosy weekend of blogging - sounds lovely and relaxing :) xx

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  5. I suppose I must be the opposite really; I can write my 'best' blog posts while everything else is in disarray. I'm a rather chaotic person, with a dozen different things on the go all completely abandoned when a thought strikes me.

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  6. Beautiful post and I couldn't agree more. I've felt pretty similar this past couple of weeks. I guess as a teenager I never realised how petty the adult world could also be. I'm just trying to focus on the things that matter to me - family and my unborn child and I'm trying not to get too bogged down by everything else. It just be so hard having such uncertainty over both your jobs and I really hope everything works out for you. X

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  7. Life is a funny one isn't it. I really resonate with this post as like yours mine and my husbands life is going to seriously be turned upside down as we make a huge change in our lives by moving back to the UK. Trying not to get to scared of the uncertainty is hard, but trying to focus on positives is the thing that is getting us through. We feel like we have changed a huge amount since living in Australia and I feel that by coming back that everything we worked hard for is being turned on its head.... but sometimes life needs to get simpler and by coming home we hope this happens so we can concentrate on what is important in life and that is family & friends. For someone who has already taken big risks, hers my advice.... everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok! Just surround yourself with the right people and you will get through. You will amaze yourself on what will happen... trust me!

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  8. Everything can get a little overwhelming but friends and family really are the most important things. Hope things get a little less stressful for you soon <3

    Maria xxx

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  9. This kind of thing seems to be going around lately. Like you, for the past few months, I feel like I've had to put up with such childish and selfish behaviour from some of my 'friends' and can't help but wonder how our values and outlook on life can differ so much; the sort of things I've been seeing and hearing should definitely have been left on the playground when we were 13. I've refused to get caught up in it all and, by way of that, have unintentionally isolated myself and ended up getting more snideness and judgement thrown my way because of it.

    Life is far too short and full of good things, to let petty dramas and selfishness run your life. I want to focus on things that matter to me and those I love, and just simply live my life.

    This accidentally turned in to a mini rant, apologies! I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. Focus on those simple things that make you happy and the things that cause you to feel stressed or unhappy will hopefully begin to fade in comparison :)

    P.s. I love your writing. You have such an elegant way with words!

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  10. Beautifully written post (and I'm over the moon to find another Villagers fan!) I completely agree with your ideas of what's important in life and I often find myself wondering why people who are old enough to know better still act as though they are in the playground! xx

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  11. It's a weird old time at the moment, think there's something in the air.
    Know what you mean about pettiness, there's something completely draining about it. At what point do people grow up and stop that? It'd be nice if there was a universal cut off - everyone just wakes up one day and realises that it makes people feel like poop and they just shouldn't be that way.
    Keep your chin up lady.
    M x Life Outside London

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Thank you in advance for your lovely comments, they mean the world to me! If you have a question or want to get in touch, tweet me at @rosieoutlook.