I am known for being that person who loves Christmas. Most years I am begging Tom to put the tree up in the last weekend of November, playing the Michael Bublé Christmas album weeks in advance of the big day and having all of my shopping done, wrapped and under the tree in a sickeningly keen timescale. This year I have zero interest in Christmas. I'm sort of hoping it's something that just goes away, something I can maybe just opt out of. I'm trying to brush it under the carpet, but it's ubiquitous at this time of year. I have no enthusiasm for really anything, except for early nights, long soaks in the bath, burning candles and lolling around in my PJs. I keep coming back to that fantasy I mentioned before, of living in the woods in a log cabin, with fires burning and nothing to do but wrap up in a blanket and read (or maybe mull some cider and make stews). When I feel like this, I long for total solitude. I don't really like to talk all that much, I like to go inward and fix (fix with baths and candles, fix with large glasses of wine, fix with sleep).
Please know I am not ungrateful. I accept that I have no reason to be sad or feel bored or listless.
I have all of the ingredients that should mix and bake and make a person full of joy and vigour, all warm and toasty from the oven. I am endlessly grateful for my beautiful house, amazing friends, wonderful family, loving dog, engaging job - etc etc. I write in my gratitude journal and sit in the quiet and am thankful for every cup of tea and every hot bath and every nuzzle from the dog. And I am hopeful that this feeling will pass. It doesn't always feel right to share the down days on here (and I have been criticised for doing so in the past) but I feel like it's important to mix a little mopey pajama days in with the perfect mantelpieces now and then. It's all about balance.
In the meantime I have become a little obsessed with this poem from Rilke. There's something about that line "I want to be with those who know secret things, or else alone" that is just everything for me right now. Onto brighter days soon...