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3 May 2015

On not being able to decide

I often feel like a mixed bag of interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. They don't fall neatly into one column as I find myself wishing they would, which results in an all too frequent internal 'tug of war' when I'm trying to make plans or make decisions, both big and small. I sometimes wonder if I should have been a Gemini, the sign depicted by twins, said to mean a split or dual personality.

I think a certain amount of this is because of an inner conflict between what I want to do, and what I feel I 'should' be doing. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do my best; to achieve success at work, to be a great partner and friend, to be fit, slim, liked by others, and so on. It can sometimes be hard to get to the core of the real 'you', amongst meeting expectations of yourself and others, and wanting to fit in with what friends and peers do and like.

Even without this though, I've always felt like I've had a sort of internal swinging pendulum, moving between conflicting goals and aspirations. I have an ambitious streak that draws me towards climbing the career ladder, putting my skills to good use and finding a great job that pushes and challenges me. My plan after university was to move to London, where I dreamed of working in PR and having a busy social life; wine bars, dinners out, early morning spin classes and a well worn Oyster card. I know too, that there is a creative side of me that yearns to be more exposed; I have recently started writing poetry again and I love writing, photography, reading, and learning new things. When I look back over journal entries and reflections in my gratitude journal, days that involve yoga and meditation are often my happiest. I have a real interest in digging deeper into spirituality and living with intention. But too, I am an unrelenting social media addict who finds it hard to switch off. I have always thought of myself as a home bird - I love my comforts and simple pleasures and a night spent in PJs with a good book is hard to beat. But I yearn to travel and have a deep wanderlust and a desire to experience living in another country. I don't feel 100% settled where we are and I miss being closer to friends and family. There's a part of me that wants to move close to them, and another part that fancies trying a new life on the other side of the world.

(This will do for now)

It makes it very difficult to make plans, and 30 feels like the sort of age where you should be starting to pin down your five and ten year plans. Most people we know are starting to have children and settle into (or continuing an already established) career. Me? I can't decide whether I want to have children and stay at home making jam, or go travelling, or invest a few years in building a career. I'm not sure what my 16 year old self would think of the fact that I work in HR - it certainly was never my dream, but then, who does know what they want to do at 16? (For the record, I wanted to be a journalist).

So how do you un-jumble all of those conflicting goals and dreams, and likes and dislikes? Do you have to be 'all one column', or can you simply bumble along making things up as you go? In the meantime, I'm putting answering those questions on hold whilst I decide whether to read for a little longer or go for a dip in the pool....

24 April 2015

First two days in Bali

I'm currently sat in our villa in Seminyak blogging on my phone - how very novel! Because of this I'll only be able to share a few quick phone pictures of our honeymoon in Bali initially but I thought I'd pop a quick post up to share some of the things we've been up to so far!

We arrived on Wednesday night after 25 hours of travelling - including stops at Amsterdam and Singapore. We were definitely glad to get to our hotel, and after a quick dinner we retired to bed. Our villa has a little private pool in it but the pool itself was a little too chilly for a nighttime dip!


The next day we set out for an explore around Seminyak. We went to the Potato Head Beach Club for cocktails and lunch and whiled an afternoon away watching the surf.



We did some more exploring and shopping and stopped at Earth Café for smoothies.


We then retired back to our hotel for a dip in the pool and a bit of chill time. It's been about 30•C the whole time we've been here and very humid, so pool time is very needed!

Our hotel also does an afternoon tea between 5-6pm - the green tea is amazing, and the cakes were pretty special too...

In the evening we went back out to where all the restaurants and bars are and had club sandwiches and beers and ciders at Soho before heading back to the hotel.
This morning we woke up and went straight to the spa for massages. After 18 hours on planes I'd been feeling pretty stiff, so a massage was just what the Doctor ordered. After that we took a taxi up to Batu Bolong beach in Canggu. We walked along the beach for some time before stopping at Old Man's Club for Bintangs (Tom) and Alders Ciders (me).


We then walked along up to Echo Beach, stopping for a swim on the way (I got knocked over by the big waves and grazed my leg, I was not prepared for how strong the undercurrent was!) We wandered around Echo Beach for a bit before stopping for a late lunch.


On the way back we met a little puppy! I wanted to smuggle him home in my backpack but he belonged to some builders on a nearby construction site.

We then caught a taxi back to our hotel just as the sun was starting to set.
We have a few more days in Seminyak before we head down to Jimbaran on Monday. I think the next few days might well hold more pool time, more spa time, more eating and more drinking! Well, what else are you supposed to do on honeymoon?
PS - As I mentioned - all photos are from my phone and edited on VSCO Cam; I have my SLR with me so I'll have lots more photos to share when I'm home (if you're not bored of Bali by then!)

20 April 2015


So, it's fair to say that the last few days have been something of a whirlwind! We got married on Friday on what was a perfect day from start to finish.  Saturday was spent relaxing and recuperating in our hotel, then yesterday and today has been packing for our honeymoon! I feel like I've not stepped down off cloud nine yet - it's a bit like having gone from one flurry of packing and arranging things to another, so I can't wait to arrive in Bali and be able to properly relax.  It has all been so surreal - having such a full-on, magical day, and then being back in our PJs at home watching Netflix on Saturday night! So bizarre - I still can't get my head around it all.

I can't wait to share the details of our wedding day with you and show you all of our amazing photographs, but I won't have time to gather them up and blog about them before we leave, so I'll be excitedly sitting down to capture the day when we return.  In the meantime I just wanted to quickly share with you some photos from today's dog walk in the sunshine, and my rather lovely new Jord wood watch which will be being packed in my suitcase!

>> watch : jord fieldcrest black - $120*
>> cardigan : boohoo {old} 
>> top : missguided {old}
>> jeans : american apparel easy jeans - £66
>> shoes : sperry topsiders £65

The wood watch is so light and comfortable - it'll be perfect for wearing in Bali, though I've been told I should basically abandon wearing a watch because the island runs on 'Bali time', which requires a bit of patience! My engagement ring and wedding ring are all squiffy in that photo too - basically my engagement ring needs resizing and keeps twisting and going out of kilter so I've been wearing that first below my wedding ring in order to keep it on! (People have told me I've got them in the wrong order!)

It's back to packing now for me - my first decision is which camera to take (currently hurting my brain trying to decide whether to take an old camera or risk my lovely new one) and then I need to find my envelope of memory cards that I stored in a safe place that I now cannot find.  Whoever thought it was sensible to pack for a honeymoon in 24 hours - eep! I hope I'll be able to check back in here and blog whilst I'm away, but until then you can follow my Bali adventures on instagram if you fancy!

Ooh and PS - thank you to those lovely people who took time to send me a tweet or a message, or a comment on here to wish us a great wedding day on Friday - seeing all the messages really put a smile on my face!

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